for all the honey

I have poured out of half-enjoyed human stories
in chipped porcelain China cups
held haphazardly in the hands of my history-
I am writing a to-do list addressing my limitations.
I am seeking to sip longer,
to be self-loving,
to be good,
to be just
to just
be.
to unlearn my fear of kissing flickering light
most especially when that flickering light is myself.
to write my narrative in permanent marker.
to look straight at my mistakes in the eyes
(even when they’re ugly.
especially when they’re ugly.)
to own up to my bullshit.
to forget anything but brutal authenticity is possible.
to tell my wild to read about my quiet.
to tell my quiet to read about my wild.
to tell my self doubt that it is so last season,
so on vacation,
so rude to show up to a fancy dinner party uninvited,
so self doubt has left the building.
to realize there are parts of me that I wish I could turn off.
to realize that is not how this works.
to try and turn down the volume on them instead.
to be my biggest advocate
and my own good luck charm.
to recognize that my demons
have not fully been diminished,
demolished,
and that I remain unfinished
and unpolished.
to realize that upon realizing this
it is what i do next that counts the most.
so I am learning to be in wonder,
it is like love alone.
I am tirelessly translating my truth song-
separating shadow from sure thing.
to be able to write poems about myself.
(for once)
to love like everything doesn’t disappear.
to comprehend that I can’t investigate my ghosts if I’m afraid to see them.
to finally feel like fear is only an important gas station to stop in
on my way out
but not somewhere I can stay
‘cause I have places to go.