I walk this world with flagrant fragility
with grit, grace, & goodness.
Today I sit on the floor
and pretend it is comfortable to be sitting on the floor
when really it’s just grounding,
I mean really it feels like safety.
Today I stop trying to collide the word comfort into the same spaces
I squeeze the word safety into
(& pretend like I ever feel safe anywhere anyways)
Today I live like my chronically aching body feels like mine
or at least something in my control
like my car jack jumper cable joints quit jolting me awake at night
for once –
pretend that this frame is the way I would’ve pictured it
and then accept that it just isn’t.
Today I accept that when my body tells me how to handle it I am forced to listen.
Today I almost forgot to accept that when I tell my body what to do I am just as colonizer.
Today I wish both me and my body realized none of this is how consent works-
to go and claim Columbus
to find what’s already been found
and then haunt it
to possess a house with no for sale sign.
Am I talking about me or the patriarchy and is there a difference?
Today’s I am in foreclosure, maybe.
I try not to place fault but I do default
back to old habits some days
like Today I believed I had to pay my weight in woman to someone,
made peace with all of that for my damn self and then couldn’t even follow through because my body hurt too much to touch them
so today touch was not on my to do list or maybe today I said fuck that to do list
Today my worth as woman being defined as this is a crooked concept anyways
so today I paid in worry, instead.
I said I love you in wonder-
thought this was efficient enough to show my caring but sometimes
inquiry reads like an inquisition
(especially when all of me can’t be the answer after the question marks)
So today I missed that mark entirely,
and it wasn’t even a test
and I barely believe in blame but maybe this was my fault
I mean my fault lines are ever present.
I’m from California,
after all.
I learned cracking from my own coastline,
after all.
So today I split like the grand champion of Oreo dunking
‘Least today I don’t break quite as much as yesterday,
it’s more bendy this time
but it’s still uncomfortable because
Today I don’t break I just break down
(sometimes I break myself for others also but that’s another poem, or is it?)
Today I vow to pay even more attention than I think I can afford so as not to keep doing dumb shit,
so as not to build sustainable lives that become unsustainable lives
when plural becomes singular-
Is that what happened today?
Did I build myself non-renewable on purpose?
Today I speak about myself as a resource I value
and I am afraid to do this but I let fear look good on me.
Today I deal with my control issues.
I play in the sun.
I realize feelings scare everyone who has vilified them
even when they show up
looking like me,
looking like joy
(or worse
comfort
or worse
safety)
Why is being happy so damn uncomfortable?
Today I cry all over the place
(privately.)
I self soothe
maybe too much
because I feel let down easily
maybe too much
but I’m trying to delete the phrase too much from my vocabulary anyways so
Today I unpack the trauma before it becomes gossip in my own head, tomorrow.
Today I try to untangle the Christmas lights of life I seem to have
boxed boxed re-boxed.
Today I kiss clouds in my head &
I forget to forget the things that hurt me, can’t separate fully from the ones that help me so today
I forget to forget your masonry,
the fingerprints you left between the bricks.
Today I heard our abandonment issues out-loud
and I remembered we don’t have to leave a person to leave them but maybe we should.
Today I rip out the realities I religiously reside with and
I find future
I find myself
I find fantasy
in everything,
even in this day-
Today.
& 