The worst part about not believing in god is that there is no one to barter with
when my dads’ cancer drugs
make him too weak
to lift his arms
he says to my mother,
‘don’t worry’
manages a smile
attempting to be
as luminous as his love
‘everyone dies of something,’
he says with a smirk
he’s the dreamscape who called kids who were not yet his
to ask for their moms hand
in marriage
calls me by my chosen name
spent what felt like every childhood Saturday painting my nails and making pancakes in the shape of my initials.
had two-thirds of his kids come out as queer and never once questioned us.
Why
would a sentient god disappear
a man like that?
it took me half a life to know of toxic masculinity’s existence
because i was raised
by its antithesis.
who now sits five years into cancer
as the final boss
he isn’t going to beat
sometimes cancer can’t unhappen
sometimes people do
in my dads unhappening
the number of nodules in his organs match the number of
years I have been alive.
I want more years
but I want them with him.
however, the oncologist noted,
“if nothing changes 6-12 months.”
My dad doesn’t believe that
and, for once, I don’t argue back.
Keyma said “hope is what we gift ourselves when suffering takes it all away,”
and who am I
to take the ribbon off
of a gift that is not mine?
I once envisioned him walking me
down the aisle-
gifting me, right?
but now my visions are of myself
fatherless
in a years time.
I microdose grief
so as not to be completely asphyxed by it.
I get choked up
every time I leave my parents home
I think maybe I should’ve stayed a few hours longer.
carried the conversation even when it felt heavy
There was, at times, lots of silence
and won’t there be plenty
plenty of time for that?
Here’s the thing.
I don’t have daddy issues
I have who the fuck am I going to be without my dad, issues.
When I catch my reflection
I am haunted
by the likeness in our faces.
What happens
when that semblance
is the closest I can get to him?
Does anybody know
the word
for missing someone
before they are even gone?
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