for years I became the shape of my anguish. I wasn’t just hurt. I was the hurt. when you are the wound and the salt you would do anything to stop the hellfire you have become but not before you enact the pain, make it reverberate into someone else’s lap say heavy say here sayContinue reading “the first person in the bloodline to analyze their trauma does so after causing their weight in it.”
Author Archives: ampersandthenwhat
My least favorite thing about being an artist is continually convincing myself I am not one.
Imposter syndrome taunts in a voice that sounds exactly like mine. Anxiety hands it a microphone. ADHD plays 52 card pick up with my thoughts- hyperfixates on negativity. Invisible illness renders me too damn tired to fight back. Capitalism builds an entire amphitheater for the performance finds a way to fill the seats and profitContinue reading “My least favorite thing about being an artist is continually convincing myself I am not one.”
An eclipse creates a shadow and wonders why it looks like that
I knew you were afraid of falling in love. I never said (but I wanted to say,) “don’t. don’t fall in love. stand up in it.” an eclipse reminds me that when you lose enough of something it becomes something else. I came to you entirely terrifying and at just the wrong enough time forContinue reading “An eclipse creates a shadow and wonders why it looks like that”
I am talking to my mom about a partner.
she stops me mid story to play a guessing game ‘Wait! Wait! I want to get them all right!‘Who has a kid on the way?’‘Oh! Oh! he’s the bartender, isn’t he?’‘Who lives in New York?’‘What’s her name?’ this is love:my motheradapting in real timeto a future she couldn’t have imagined for me. loveabundantetherealomnipotent I wasn’tContinue reading “I am talking to my mom about a partner.”
In defense of telling the people you love you love them:
In defense of walking loves’ long promenadeafter falling off that shit so many times: There is boundless joyin dance floors. waterfalls of laughter. cheek kisses. hair dye. studded clothing. friends that love you like it’s easy. in this short short life there is tall wonder. every timeI am nursing my ever-breaking heart,I sing to myselfContinue reading “In defense of telling the people you love you love them:”
it’s been a year of years.
time, head down concentrating- lacing their shoes like a fever-dream I trip over sometimes, I look at the people I love and I see cheekbones and eyelashes. smiles brave and worn. In recent weeks I smile at myself in the mirror every single time I step out of the shower. (it’s liberating to unhold aContinue reading “it’s been a year of years.”
Polyamory: noun:
The philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time. Says the Oxford new American dictionary I say it is a series of questions Sometimes in the form of People Other times in their natural form: questions would you ever ask a parent to chooseContinue reading “Polyamory: noun:”
My shame is a mold that only grows in the parts of me I refuse to shed light on
Do I need a better flashlight?a braver mouth?a new dictionaryto find fresh wordsto form familiar sounds in new ways? I need brave spaces to fall apartwithout anyone reaching for the threadto stitch me back together. I need people who don’t expect me to always be so strongwho know strength to be expansive and multifacetedthat myContinue reading “My shame is a mold that only grows in the parts of me I refuse to shed light on”
where do you go
to feel? do you call yourselfby namethere? do you comeback different?more? if your heart could callanywhereHome,where would it call? what does it sound like there?what do you knowabout the cavernsof your joy? can you teach me?can we swim there?can we witness each other become?
try
for receptiveintentionalwillinggivingresponsivegentletryto open upmaybecome upshortmaybelevel upstill wake upTry.
& 